Monday, September 3, 2012

Breaking point

Everybody has one. Some reach it faster than others. Others just never seem to get there until it's too late. Stressors are different for everyone.

I generally try to make life easier for my family. In some ways, I don't feel like I've been successful lately. In other ways I feel I've made it too easy and therefore made it difficult for me.

I admit to wanting/needing to be in control. I also fully admit that I get upset (sometimes irrationally) when I am not in control of a situation. However, a counselor once told me, the less control someone else has in a situation, the more I will cling to that control.

In other words, my freak out isn't due to MY not being in control, it's due to NO ONE being in control. The harder I try to relinquish "control" the more extreme the reality is for more when it's not taken over by someone else.

When you hear "it will all work out for the best," you don't believe it. What exactly does the best mean? And best for who?

I believe everyone has a fate, a destiny, that God has a plan for each of us. I also believe that God helps those who help themselves. And to me that statement has two meanings.

The first being that God has a plan, but you can't sit back and wait. You need to take action to do what's necessary and He'll provide everything else.

The second meaning, and this is a 2am revelation, is that you can turn the wording around a little to read: God helps those who they themselves help. By that I mean, God will help you as you help others.

I try to be a good friend, offering prayers and support, suggestions when asked, even giving a few items away if necessary. I know it comes back to me.

At the same time, I constantly feel an immense about of stress and recently hit a point where a full blown panic attack occurred for the first time in many years. My body shuts down in a variety of ways, but this was a big breaking point. I felt like I was drowning, stopping several times to purposefully hold my breath thinking it would help me breathe.

I mentioned it's 2am and you might wonder why I'm awake. Well, for starters, Henry woke up screaming and soaking wet. Took me a while to get him changed and back to sleep. Then I realized I hadn't put that load of laundry in. (it is necessary so I have clean work pants tomorrow)

What is distressing to me is that my alarm will go off at 445. And the other thought is that I was awake for two hours Saturday night as well because Sam woke up.

This is just late night rambling, but I find it's when I do my best thinking.

If you know me in real life, you know I run a little high strung. I'm working in it, really I am. I'd like nothing more than to be taken care of, to be part of a cohesive team, and to raise Sam and Henry do they are self-sufficient.

Lately though, I feel like I am failing miserably. Hence the panic attack, the high stress, lack of sleep and constant desire to not do anything to help others. I can't help myself, how can I help others?

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